I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
