well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we made out on top of his cat.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
