Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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