I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dear god my vagina.
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