My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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