I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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