so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
