he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
