Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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