How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
