I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
