Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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