omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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