There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
