I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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