i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Farmville is her only friend.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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