think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
