hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
