I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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