I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
