There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
