she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
