Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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