i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
