It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
