Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
