Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
