Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize