I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
