And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
