This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
