Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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