So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
