This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
