my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
