I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I forget how to act sober
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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