My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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