So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
