Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
