You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
