So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
