WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
