I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
