Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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