I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
