i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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