I faked an abortion last night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
