So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Drake has all the answers
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
