You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
