I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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