My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Did I show you my penis last night?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
